Motherhood is one of those things that I could never ever prepare enough for. People had warned me about the sleepless nights before mini M was born which, I had taken lightly since I was a bit of a night owl but this ongoing sleep deprivation that I’m currently experiencing is something else.
It’s incredible how a small human could turn your life topsy-turvy. My entire existence has been reshuffled and it took way more than a hot minute for me to accept my role as a mother and also the season that I’m in. Although I love and adore mini M more than one could ever imagine (just like every other mama on earth), I felt coerced into being that round the clock provider to a completely dependent human, someone who couldn’t bear the thought of having me out of his sight. I had to lose everything that I knew before and relearn all the building blocks that make up my everyday life. Every single day is filled with various ups and downs and unlike weather predictions, there isn’t a way to know what kind of a day we’re going to have. Sure, we could plan a bunch of activities ahead but ultimately the timetable is decided by THE BABY and I’m NOT used to it. I’m a bit of a control freak by nature so it’s extremely uncomfortable when most things are out of hand these days.
The photos above were taken a few weeks postpartum (yes I’m playing serious catch-ups as I haven’t been able to blog consistently) and although I was tired, I felt reasonably at ease with extra help around. 6 months on my day-to-day consists of activating that coping mechanism and getting through the day as enjoyably as possible. There were more days than I care to admit where I wondered why I hadn’t been enjoying motherhood as much as other mamas. I found simple things stressful and in uncountable situations, my impatience had gotten the better of me. That said, mini M was always able to dissipate the tension with his goofy single-tooth grin, sudden squeals and frantic bouncing on his puree-stained bouncer. He could be crying inconsolably for what seemed like an eternity but without warning, he could also be flashing me with the most adorable smile, undoing all the hard feelings that I might harbour against him (not the smartest thing to do considering that he’s an infant but ah well, stupidity happens).
I think I’m still fighting with that part of me that reminisces the past a bit too much. For the lack of a better analogy, it’s a bit like reminiscing that ex and it’s absolutely unhealthy. Instead I was reminded by another mama of 4 on ig (believe that lol) that it’s way more beneficial to embrace the present and use that as an advantage to better ourselves (of course she said it in a much more eloquent way), which was both empowering and reassuring. I guess I don’t really have to give up on all my interests and ambitions but I have to come to terms with the reality that I can’t do it all now when there are so many other things vying for my attention. I know I would regret it in the future if I were to spread myself too thin and not being able to give my devoted attention to anything, especially mini M.
So this has become a bit of a motherhood ramble. I guess I just need to own up to how imperfect I am as I’m guilty of putting up this shiny exterior by posting only cute photos of my son on ig stories. I guess if you’re a new mom like me, no matter what the situation is, let’s pat ourselves on the back and know that we’re doing the best that we could.
Motherhood is messy, but it is also the most beautiful thing I’ve ever known.
talk soon, hopefully!
x
Ps. Mini M has started to nap a little better today so I’m hopeful for more free time in the future. I’m dying to jump back into blogging in full force!